Is this the calm before the storm??

I feel ok…..not great or happy but ok..ish!

Last text i received from M was from his new gf informing me that they had started the ‘process’ to ensure they had access to the kids! – how odd! I have encouraged M to see the kids from the start! I would never discourage this?? Me thinks M is telling his new gf porkie pies (lies).

Part of me wanted to tell her to fook off and the other part of me just felt sorry for her! If she wants a fight she is wasting her time! She will never win because i will always be me which she won’t!

M hasn’t replied to my mum’s letter but what can he say really??? I love him, i always will but i’m starting to see that we are getting to a point where there is no going back! xx 

I miss my husband! Life is NOT fair xx

I miss him – but he doesn’t miss me!

I feel so, so, sad and lonely without him – he has told me once again tonight that he is happy, never been happier and his new girlfriend is awesome.

I feel rejected – he feels alive!

I feel overwhelmed by the future! I am now a single mum of two with limited fiances and four dogs – he is quite literally footloose and fancy free!

He HATES me – i hate him hating me! 

sooooooo sad, soooo down, sooooo lost! I want my husband back, i really do! xx

How can people walk away from their kids?

I understand that M doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I want him back but i am going to let him go! Gosh i can’t believe i’m saying those words but i am letting him go! I will not cry, beg him, ask him for support. He can have his new life and i am going to dig deep in my heart and let him go with no malice or spite! I love him but he doesn’t love me anymore FACT! Plus two affairs is two too many! And as i lay in my bed at night i know there is no going back! I know the damage is done! And i know i deserved more! I still want him back, so so so so so much but he’s done! He was able to break my heart twice!! 

But…how can he walk away from the beautiful kids that were such a huge part of his life for so long! My daughter used to run into his arms when he got home and he would swing her around! My son as an adult (almost) choose to love him! 

My daughter is off to camp and the thought of being out of contact with her causes me to feel anxious! I will miss her so much! She is the first person i hear in the morning when she shouts out ‘morning mum’ and at night i get the biggest cuddle ever and an ‘i love you mum’. How can anyone walk away from this ever?? My kids are so easy to be proud of…they are kind, loving, caring, polite and so beautiful! Walk away from our marriage M but not our kids please!

Its been a week today since we discovered he had a new girlfriend and he has made no contact with the kids at all!! Does he not consider that maybe they need a cuddle from him, that they need to hear that he still loves them??? 

Oh i don’t know! I am in love with a different M, not this one xx

Money talks….. !!!

Feeling a little less emotional today! I still love my husband but my kids were very firm with me!! They told me to take M to court for money!! I explained it doesn’t really work like that but my 17 year old had clearly googled it!! 

I hope my kids chill out over time! Their total hatred of their dad is terrible!! The 2nd affair has really rocked them! They had almost forgiven him for the first!! Its hard though because i wish my kids didn’t know but they do!! They literally hate him!! He’s made no attempt to contact them! 17 year old has mobile so he could easily ring them when i’m at work !! 

I talked to M today and told him i will start the divorce (he can’t) if he’ll sort out a reasonable amount of money for the kids each month! This ‘new M’ wants to pay the very minimum he can because ‘he has his own life now’. That’s fine (well, not really) but i have two kids to nurture, love and grow and i can’t do that on fresh air!

I still find the whole thing so terribly sad! I’m glad he had an affair (s) and not me! I don’t know how he sleeps at night but sadly that’s not my concern anymore xx 

Wow it’s getting nasty already!

Who stole my nice, kind husband and replaced him with an idiot! ‘go away’ he says…. My daughter has camp Monday and I can’t afford to buy the stuff she needs! Wow sorry for asking!

Its ok cause my son has a part-time job and he said he’ll chip in but wow!!!!!! Xx

 

 

 

 

I feel ok and I’m not giving up!

Mummy tummy is full on anxiety! He loves her wow!!! He said he loved me last week!

I will not row or fight with him!!!

I still love him! The kids are devestated and don’t want to see him! I’m going to give them a few weeks to process it all before I push them to see him!

I love him, I’m not giving up hope! I will crack on with my life! I will keep busy, be a good mum, work hard but I will still love him! 

Xx

 

Bananarama!!!

This song has been playing in my head all day!! xx

Whoops….i’m not doing well !

Hubby text (very brief) wanted to see my daughter. He took daughter out for a dog walk tonight! He avoided seeing me, which is cool. He asked my daughter if she understood whats was happening between us and she replied ‘ yes you are getting divorced’ daughter said he said ‘sorry’ and hugged her!

I don’t want to press my daughter on what they talked about because its her time with her Dad and i have no rights to invade that!!

She did come back upset though so i text him (i know i shouldn’t of) call me an idiot but this is what i put…

Was M**** ok? i hope we can find a way to be friends as the kids need us to be. You know i don’t want us to split up but i love you and understand why and i support you x

He hasn’t read the message yet and i’m not expecting a reply! I must go back to no contact tomorrow as i don’t want to pi$$ him off anymore!

Anyone got ant advice xx

I broke the ‘no contact’ rule…..well kind of!

I text the ex, not a crazy mad text but my daughter wants to see him!

I put               Hi, M**** wants to see you this w/e x

He replied     ok no problem

I needed to text him and since it was about the kids i feel that’s ok but i was hoping he would reply with a day and a time to see her! He was/is a lovely Dad and the kids really miss him! No matter what happens i know i will never be spiteful over the kids.

I wish he’d put a ‘x’ on his reply though 😦 

I need to be realistic, if and i say if i am ever going to win him back it needs to be slowly and carefully! I know i need to work on myself and i will. I have a great job, lots of friends and good family! I can be a single mum, i can go out and have fun, i can hit the gym hard, i can find someone new but……..I Want My Husband Back xx

Day Five (since my heart broke)

I know it’s really early days but i miss M. I hate having no contact with him! I am really starting to see the reality of this whole situation! I fear our marriage really is over for him! As i sit here i just don’t see a future without him! Don’t get me wrong i will cope and in time i’m sure i will meet someone else (don’t want too) but just not speaking to him for five days is horrible!

I would like to think he is led in bed thinking about me, missing me but…i know he’s not! He is planning his future without me! I love him, I love him, I LOVE HIM!!!!!!

What do i do? What can i do? Can i win him back? He loved me so much and now nothing! I can feel the panic deep within my heart, i can feel the tears at the back of my eyes, i feel sick, tired and so sad! xx